Accu-Terror Forecast

This was the opening scene to last week's "Real Time with Bill Maher" episode. It was freakin hilarious. Its as good as the one where you have the little black girl writing a letter to President Bush.

[COLD OPEN: MOCK NEWSCAST:]

“TAKIYAMA” [News Anchor]: Thanks, George. That is one big litter of puppies! And now here’s Sonny Daye with tonight’s Accu-Terror Forecast.

“SONNY DAYE” [Bill Maher]: Thanks, Takiyama. And folks, wasn’t it just a perfect day for a terror alert. Bone-chilling in the morning, clear and present danger in the afternoon, tapering off into cold sweats at night. [laughter]

All right, tomorrow, Accu-Terror is predicting 100% chance of a really big terror alert to take our mind off the bad economic news. [laughter] [pointing to map of U.S.] Tom Ridge says an Al Qaeda cell coming down from Canada into here, the Great Lakes region. [laughter] So folks in the Detroit and Saginaw, as far away as Kalamazoo, you might want to put on that extra layer of Kevlar. [laughter]

Okay, our exclusive Accu-Terror radar is picking up a lot of chatter out here in the Denver area, so stay away from chemical plants, nuclear facilities, and of course, the French fries at Arby’s. [laughter]

Okay, back out here in the West, some light showers of ammonium nitrate or perhaps a little Saran gas possible in the Los Angeles area, but don’t expect loss of life. The Santa Anas are going to push all that nasty gunk out to sea. [laughter] [applause]

Okay, here’s your five-day: yellow, bluish-yellow—[laughter]—yellow again, yellow gradually becoming orange, and orange back into yellow. And we’ve got an orangish-red weekend on tap so be sure to have plenty of bottled water and canned goods on hand. [laughter]

And that’s terror. All right, make it a great day. George and Takiyama, back to you. [applause] [cheering]